I am full of burrito and curiosity
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
