so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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