He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
