my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i will never coherently bang her
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
