I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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