So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
