sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
