apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
