How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
