so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
