i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
