Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
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