love makes seman taste better
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
