i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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