I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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