ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
