Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
