why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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