i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
