My liver just broke up with me...
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
