I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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