Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
