She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
