She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
