mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
cat food counts as protein by the way
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
