my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
