Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
