Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
the condom got lost in my hair
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
