I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Randomize
