her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
