bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
