I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
