i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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