Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
