I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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