her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
