Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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