the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
