He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
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