Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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