then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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