anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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