you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
the day after is always just damage control
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
