My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
