Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
