I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
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You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
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During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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