A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I forgot how hot balto sounded
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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