I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
