i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
