Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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