my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
