I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
