So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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