Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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