Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
