I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
