my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
