Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
