i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
All the doctor said was why
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
