i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
