Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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