just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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