I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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