I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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